Texas Slang Story

        One blazin' hot Sunday afternoon, my Pa and me was walkin' tall in the cotton. We was out lookin' to shoot us some squaddies to cook up for supper. On our way back home, we passed a pond full of toads and frogs. My Pa was a bit of a frog-strangler. He took pleasure in watching there little froggy eyes bug-out as they struggled to breathe. When I was 'bout eight years old, pa tried to teach me the art of frog-strangling, I just couldn't stand to watch the friendly creature die though. Pa got all choked up at me for not being man enough to kill a dumb lil frog, he got mad too, so he pole-axed me as discipline. I never understood why letting that frog live was so bad, but since then I always did as Pa said and strangled me some frogs.

        Well, a-course since Pa saw all the frogs he wanted to stop to strangle a few. Just as he was about to squeeze the first frog we heard a gentle gasp and then a firm “stop” from the opposite side of the pond. I looked across the pond to find the owner of the voice, and what I saw was non-other than a purty lil lass. She had big green eyes, a freckled face, and red hair worn two long braids. I had a fancy for her right away; she was quite the looker, nothin' like ole plug- ugly Betty Sue. Betty Sue was whomper-jawed girl with a catty whompus face who has taken to continuously asked me if I thought she was purty. Being the gentleman I should be, I bluff and tell her she is the purtiest creature I ever did see, but she takes this to mean I fancy her.

      “Well howdy there, miss!” I shouted cross the pond, “What must such a lovely lass as yourself be doing out here all on your own?”

      “That is non of your beeswax,” she replied snobbishly, “the point is I came out here only to find you and your father harming these poor innocent frogs.”

      I tried to apologize,“I am so sorry mi...”

      “Well, I certainly am not!” Pa interrupted, “I don't understand what your problem is miss. Don't you have something better to do than ruin my fun!”

      “YOU EVIL MAN,” Shrieked the girl, “HOW COULD HURTIN' THESE FRIENDLY CREATURES BE “FUN”!!!”

      Well, this really set my Pa off and the two o'them began yellin' in conniptions at each other. They continued their screamin' match for half an hour when I had finally had it with them two.

      “DAD GUM IT,” I yelled to get their attentions, “This is ridiculous! Pa, you is a sick man thinkin' that frog-strangling is fun and you ma'am, whatever your name may be, you have quite the temper for such a purty lass.”

      “My name is Mary, and I am sorry, but your father is insane. He must end this wild activity and be kind to these poor froggies!” she exclaimed, adding sheepishly, “Do you really think I'm pretty?”

       Embarrassed I replied, “Well shoot, Mary, your the darn purtiest gal I e'er saw. In fact I wanted to ask you... Care to go larrupin' with me? I mean ya don't have to, but I'd certainly be glad if ya did.”

      “Yes! I would love to!” she responded gleefully, “Shall we head off?”

      And we left my Pa behind and headed off (quite cheesily) into the sunset.